well I didn't really feel like making a journal about this but I feel like I should
just letting you guys know we put Chyna down today

wow I'm taking this a lot better and a lot worse than I thought and what I mean by that is
I took getting her into the car to be taken there WAYWAYWAY worse than I thought I would
I was going to get her in the car but I just couldn't do it I'd pick her up and just completely lose it I sobbed so loudly I don't cry like that ever when I cry it's silent tears not loud sobbing
so we had to have a neighbor pick her up and put her in the car
I'm actually really really glad I couldn't do it because if I did it I'd probably stay home which is what I was planning on doing but the neighbor basically told me to go which I thought was kinda rude but hey, before she said that I was considering going anyway to support Chyna; I felt like if I didn't go I didn't even care about her, just stuck her in a car never to see her again and not get to be there for her through her last moments ;n;

so when we got there I was just planning on staying until the doctor came because I really didn't think I'd handle seeing her actually go but I felt like I couldn't pull myself away, which really surprised me 'cause I thought I'd be dying to get out of there but I actually stayed and petted her while she was having the shot so knowing that I stayed just makes me feel so much better
I think it'd haunt me forever knowing that I just walked out on her, you know?
I was hugging her a lot and telling her that I loved her before the doctor gave her her shot and before we left to go there, and I did after she was put down too, I know she can't feel me doing that but it was just really hard to walk out of that room, man

I'm also doing better now than I thought I would, I am really depressed right now from missing her and all of course but you guys encouraging me that she's probably in Heaven now really helps; everytime I get really depressed about missing her I remember than and it helps a lot
the nurse also said that she would have a herd of dogs waiting for her when she goes to Heaven so that helped a lot too

also I think this was a really good time for us to do this, because the last day or two she's been doing WAY worse than before
before basically she had trouble getting up on her own, and had trouble going to the bathroom
now she couldn't do anything at all, couldn't get up even with help, lift her head, eat or drink even with help (maybe just barely but she could barely get her tongue out of her mouth) and all last night she was whining and doing this weak bark noise which meant she was probably in pain

we almost were gonna just let her go on her own but I think now that would be really cruel, because she had a pretty strong heart but the rest of her was weak and she couldn''t eat or drink like I said so I think if we let her go on her own she'd probably die from starvation which is a terrible way to go
you could ectually feel all her bones and everything like her rib cage so I'm glad she's not suffering anymore